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Birthday Cake

Fear

by Begonia

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1.
I wanna cross To the other side Just to see if you were right I wanna cross To the other side Just to see it in plain sight All the answers I once found In big blue eyes staring down Was it right I know that there’s another side Put in time all over town I’ve burned holes right in the ground Just looking for Screaming into the other side Oh I wanna cross Into the other side Just for a second Just to know without a doubt that you were right You always said You knew with all your might So then show me Because I wanna see the other side And with my eyes closed I listen in the night Thinking it’d be nice Just to see The other side
2.
Checking the phone of the one you hold dear Checking yourself as you stare in the mirror Do you wanna go wanna get out of here I’m waving a flag in an eggshell white Painting my face making sure it looks right Holding the key and I’m holding it tight Sink while swimming keep your head up high Sometimes winning never holding tight You and I You and I Hanging on a line It’s got you too Saying it’s fine When it’s not up to you And in due time We’ll see this through And follow all the Maps we drew In my life I wanna be Good for you baby And you for me But only time Will make it clear Give me some water Let’s get out of here I’m playing games like I’ve been for a while You’re dropping names but that suits your style Holding me close taking inches for miles Calling your name in a major key Floating above never moving our feet Am I seeing you the same way you see me Both our names light up in neon Find something we can agree on You and I You and I Hanging on a line It’s got you too Saying it’s fine When it’s not up to you And in due time We’ll see this through And follow all the Maps we drew In my life I wanna be Good for you baby And you for me But only time Will make it clear Give me some water Let’s get out of here Sink while swimming keep your head up high Sometimes winning never holding tight You and I You and I Hanging on a line It’s got you too Saying it’s fine When it’s not up to you And in due time We’ll see this through And follow all the Maps we drew In my life I wanna be Good for you baby And you for me But only time Will make it clear Give me some water Let’s get out of here
3.
The Light 03:36
Walk the line Knowing it’s not in fashion Heart on the sleeve of my satin blouse Going to your house Every night Looking for satisfaction You could be a lover But honestly I’ve had too many to count Part of me is over it Pretend I don’t give a shit I answer your messages Sit and I question why people leave read receipts on And I’m just a pawn In some game of love This isn’t me at all Need to change it up I’ve seen the light But it doesn’t mean that much Can’t fall asleep I may never get up Into the night I think my time is up I’ve seen the light And that’s enough ----- So I try softness Sometimes mistaken for kindness But if I’m too kind that’s weakness ‘Till I become blind And sleepless Can’t treat this Oh I’m faithful To those I feel deserve love But I guess that’s everyone Not sure that I have enough Nobody’s made me feel this way And now I’ll never be the same Hang up the phone and scream your name Again again But I like the pain I’ve seen the light But it doesn’t mean that much Can’t fall asleep I may never get up Into the night I think my time is up I’ve seen the light That’s enough
4.
Fear 03:55
Roll around in the shadows like a cat in the light I’m scared of everyone One ear in the clouds and one to the ground I jump and scatter at every sound Where does my fear come from I roll around avoid the sun Fear of everyone Fear of harnessing power Fear of screaming too loud Fear of wasting an hour Fear of never getting it together Fear of being lazy Fear of the mouse in my kitchen Fear of going crazy I’m running from something I know I can’t go too fast You want something you can’t control Two hands touching through glass Two bodies in the bathtub Don’t wanna drown I’m wearing two paper hats and calling them crowns New years eve two thousand thirteen Threw my boots off the balcony I wasn’t clean like I wanted to be Like I wanted to be Like I wanted to be New Year’s Eve two thousand thirteen Threw my boots off the balcony I wasn’t clean like I wanted to be Like I wanted to be Like I wanted to be Roll around in the shadows like a cat in the light I’m scared of everyone One ear in the clouds and one to the ground I jump and scatter at every sound Where does this fear come from I roll around avoid the sun Fear of everyone Fear of harnessing power Fear of screaming too loud Fear of wasting an hour Fear of never getting it together Fear of being lazy Fear of the mouse in my kitchen Fear of going crazy Fear of everyone Fear of harnessing power Fear of screaming too loud Fear of wasting an hour Fear of never getting it together Fear of being lazy Fear of the mouse in my kitchen Fear of going crazy
5.
Every Day 01:27
I’m wait wait wait waiting for your call Got my phone open vibrating on the table top Sometimes I feel like you don’t think of me at all But mostly I’m hoping I’m on your mind every day (every day every day) And every night (every night every night) If you’re okay then maybe drop me a line I often wonder if you’re only in my dreams Unfortunately it wouldn’t be a first for me Imagination working over actively I’m needing all these doubts to wash away (wash away wash away) Out of my life (out my life out my life) And if it’s fate I’m willing to take my time Oooo every day (every day every day) And every night (every night every night) If you’re okay then maybe drop me a line Oooo every day (every day every day) And every night (every night every night) I can’t always wait for invisible visible visible signs
6.
Rolling in the right mind Feels like such a long time From what we created Every day another one fades away Remember when we sat still I would’ve waited until The morning For you to say For you to say something Can you describe how to catch a feeling Changing your mind isn’t worth the dealing But once you decide you’re living at the ceiling You can’t get no high You can’t get no higher x2 Running by your side Thought we’d hit the right stride But the longer we waited Every step Left us with something less Remember when I held back Brought over a suitcase but never unpacked I couldn’t wait for you to say something Can you describe how to catch a feeling Changing your mind isn’t worth the dealing But once you decide you’re living at the ceiling You can’t get no high You can’t get no higher x2 I would wait for you to say something for you to say You to say something Now I watch you disappear We never made Never made it through But the further I Stumble from you The more I see it clear Can you describe how to catch a feeling Changing your mind isn’t worth the dealing But once you decide you’re living at the ceiling You can’t get no high You can’t get no higher We were too blind to understand the meaning What we could provide Was less than we were needing But once you decide you’re living at the ceiling You can’t get no high You can’t get no higher
7.
Mirror Talk 03:21
It’s time to start the day Even if it’s half gone away Won’t even change my clothes Nobody ever has to know I’m getting high on the weekend And I don’t feel too much like speaking Sometimes I get so mad Feelings I never knew I had I’m staring at the screen Watching the time that’s wasting me I get along as I need to Waiting for the sun To break through There is a lie That I speak clearer To only myself In the mirror Tracing my own features in the steam In my wildest dreams I don’t even know where I’d be I just want to go back to sleep Making my little bed Counting the seconds in my head Till I can drift away Tomorrow’s just another day
8.
Two Beers In 04:33
I’ll be the book that’s always open Two beers in and still i’m hoping I’ve never met someone like you I heard the whispers in the air I’ll stay faithful I don’t care Draw me closer and you see right through Playing tricks on my own mind Those shooting stars are only airplane lights This happens all the time You’re standing there without a doubt And I’m a ragdoll with my insides hanging out I’m toeing all the lines This happens all the time Staring up at saturn and I need to close my eyes Recognizing patterns of a woman full of pride And I only care what happens to the people in my life Can I be a mother I may never be a wife I am the book that’s always open Two beers in left here hoping I’ve never met someone like you You fill the space before my eyes My mouth hangs open but I’m not surprised It’s time you’ve always traveled through Tell me to take what I can give Some promise or a cut right through the skin What more are you offering? A casket or a wedding vow I’ll take it all but need it all right now Right now
9.
Beats 03:31
Oh I think it’s courageous of you Your thoughts are contagious When you don’t really know what to do But you keep going through the stages Anyway, anyday (I wish I was ooo) Anyone else instead of myself I keep feeling The beats beats You’re gonna hurt yourself, it’s not your birthday baby The beats beats If there is nothing wrong, why am I down so long If I could ever be honest There is not enough space or time I could row down the river of our secrets For miles and miles and miles said there is no virtue with no drawn lines You said that no one could hurt you But I do it all the time The beats beats You’re gonna hurt yourself, it’s not your birthday baby The beats beats If there is nothing wrong, why am I down so long And anyway, anyday (I wish I was oo) Anyone else instead of myself (I wish I was oo) Anyway, anyday (I wish I was oo) Anyone else instead of myself (I wish I was oo) But I keep feeling The beats beats You’re gonna hurt yourself, it’s not your birthday baby The beats beats If there is nothing wrong, why am I down so long
10.
Cold Fire 04:29
My breathing can’t be regulated Everything I used to love Now I hate it I can’t say it’s all because of you But I’d like to Seeing visions Seeing stars But when I search for higher meaning It always feels so far I can’t even say that i’m surprised Should have guessed it the first day I looked into your eyes Invited yourself Over to my house I wanted to love you But i should have ki - kicked you right out I will never go back To who I was before Living in darkness Never feeling sure And only from a distance Could I set myself free Now you’re nothing but a ghost just Living in my memory Maybe I deserve it All this wasted time Thinking that I earned it But that’s not right Some days I dig a little deeper And some I hold it all inside I am the only keeper of the demons in my mind I know I’m not the only one Singing tired songs of love Getting all hung up When I should be moving on Obsessing over each mistake Indulging in a heartbreak Where every move I make Is the wrong one When everyday Filled me with doubt They said time is a healer I didn’t think i’d see my way out I will never go back To who I was before Living in darkness Never feeling sure And only from a distance Could I set myself free Now you’re nothing but a ghost just Living in my memory
11.
Dead Flowers 03:32
Dead flowers all around me Line the halls In every room I used to find them pretty Used to love their sweet perfume Reminded me of the dandelions cut from my parents yard Reminded me times I didn’t need to try so hard Dead flowers Dead flowers Dead Past midnight in a hotel room These late hours that I keep Used to scream out stories from my bed Kept my sister from her sleep Reminds me of the times you told me I best settle down Reminds me of the names I earned when no one was around Past midnight Darkest moonlight Dead And anytime I try to be mad I seem to empathize When friends say you’re not right in the head It don’t stop this crying I’m skating on a line Trying to be fine I should be by now If I just count the years gone by Dead flowers all around me I don’t keep them just for fun They used to be a sign I would hide from everyone Reminding me of consolation after words would cut Reminding me of all the ways that you kept my mouth shut Reminds me of the time you broke down my front door Reminding me of how you cannot hurt me anymore
12.
Put It Away 05:08
Put It Away People tell me that you’re fine Hey they used to tell me that all the time But I know There’s a greater meaning Running circles all around Heard you’re burning circles into the ground But I know You’ve got an earthly feeling Living hiding in the crowd I got shame that calls my name way too loud Got no time To talk about the weather Thinking I might start a fight End up falling asleep by computer light Oh I know I can do much better I get so nervous Forget my purpose I’m feeling worthless But I gotta say In our darkest hour We still have some power Enough to know how to put that shit away (Put It Away) How I feel How I feel Is it real x2 I’ve been dreaming of a time I’ve been thinking about making you cry Though I know it wouldn’t satisfy me Hobbies I’ve been taking up Trying to forget what you made me become No I won’t let it define me I’m moving forward Tide rolling over Not always shown but Let it remain In our darkest hour We never lose our power So stand in line and put that shit away (Put It Away) How I feel How I feel Is it real x2 I’ll take every single cent Give back all the time we spent Instead Of running from you I don’t want to I can walk away I’ll take every word you said Get you right out of my head Instead of running from your name From now on I’ll just Put it away I get so nervous Forget my purpose I’m feeling worthless But i gotta say In our darkest hour We still have some power
13.
The Light 03:33
Walk the line Knowing it’s not in fashion Heart on the sleeve of my satin blouse Going to your house Every night Looking for satisfaction You could be a lover But honestly I’ve had too many to count Part of me is over it Pretend I don’t give a shit I answer your messages Sit and I question Why people leave read receipts on And i’m just a pawn In some game of love This isn’t me at all Need to change it up I’ve seen the light But it doesn’t mean that much Can’t fall asleep I may never get up Into the night I think my time is up I’ve seen the light And that’s enough ----- So I try softness Sometimes mistaken for kindness But if i’m too kind that’s weakness ‘Till I become blind And sleepless Can’t treat this Oh i’m faithful To those I feel deserve love But I guess that’s everyone Not sure that I have enough Nobody’s made me feel this way And now i’ll never be the same Hang up the phone and scream your name Again and again But i like the pain I’ve seen the light But it doesn’t mean that much Can’t fall asleep I may never get up Into the night I think my time is up And I’ve seen the light That’s enough

about

Buy merch at the store on www.hellobegonia.com

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released September 13, 2019

Find Begonia merch at the store on www.hellobegonia.com

Begonia is Alexa Dirks
The album FEAR is Produced by Alexa Dirks, Matt Schellenberg, Matt Peters and Marcus Paquin
Engineered by Matt Schellenberg, Matt Peters and Marcus Paquin with additional engineering by John Paul Peters
All instruments on all songs performed by Alexa Dirks, Matt Schellenberg, Matt Peters and Marcus Paquin
With the exception of:
Drums on songs 2-10 and song 12 by Michael Jordan
Horns on songs 4 and 12 by Todd Martin (French Horn), Joel Green (Trombone), Steve Oberheu (Sousaphone) and Simon Christie (Trumpet)
Joel Green and Steve Oberheu also appear on songs 3 and 9
Strings on song 7 and 10 by Chris Anstey and Meredith McCallum
Harp on song 12 by Dana Kowalsky
Upright bass on song 7 by Julian Bradford

Songs 1, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 and 12 written by Alexa Dirks, Matt Schellenberg and Matt Peters
Songs 2, 3, 4 written by Alexa Dirks, Matt Schellenberg, Matt Peters and Marcus Paquin
Song 5 written by Alexa Dirks and Matt Schellenberg
Song 11 written by Alexa Dirks
All lyrics by Alexa Dirks

All songs mixed by David Tolomei except for song 4 mixed by Marcus Paquin
Mastered by Heba Kadry at Timeless Mastering

This album was recorded at Private Ear Recording and Paintbox Recording both in Winnipeg, Manitoba
Additional recording done at The Shithole in Winnipeg, Manitoba, The Bridge in Montreal, QC and The Herdsmen House in Neubergthal, Manitoba

Album design and layout by Jadyn Klassen
Original cover and back photos by Katrina Cervoni
Makeup by Jooyeon Kim
Hair by Nicole den Bok
Nails by Courtney Guerin (fingernails.are.pretty)
Additional photography by Adam Kelly

THANK YOUS:
Thank you firstly to MY BROTHERS FOR MAKING THIS ALBUM WITH ME:

Matt Schellenberg (badass buddy)...YOU encouraged me to start this project and always made me feel like my voice was worth it even when I didn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever be able to thank you enough for how you’ve given your time, energy and love to these songs and to my life.

Matt Peters you came on right at the beginning and have put so much hard work and love and creativity into my music. Your friendship, time and creative brain means everything to me!

Marcus Paquin, your passion, emotion, talent and energy make my dreams come true! Discovering you as a new writing/creating partner has enriched my life so much. Thank you for lending your time, heart and talent! Love and thanks to Marika and Magnolia for letting me take over your house and for making me feel like family.

More BIG THANK YOUS in no particular order go out to:
Stu Anderson...thank you for always believing in me and letting me email you and call you every day all day for the rest of your life. I LOVE YOU AND FEEL SO LUCKY TO HAVE YOU ON MY SIDE. You help make my dreams COME TO LIFE! (also thank you Kale for keeping him sane, sipping and smiling...you are a priceless gem). Mom and Dad, Lolo, Jax, B and Baby Chase...your love fuels my life and I wouldn’t be able to do this without it. THANK YOU FOR LOVING ME AND SHOWING UP FOR ME always. I want to give it back to you for the rest of my life! The Brady Bunch (NOTHING COMPARES TO THE LOVE OF OUR VILLAGE!)
Seth Woodyard (hi, thanks for taking me exactly as I am and listening to all my good stuff and my bullshit...you are my star and I love you.) David Landreth, Andrea Davis, my team at Paquin Artists Agency, Jadyn Klassen, Eric Sung, Adam Kelly, John Paul Peters/Private Ear Recording, Paintbox Recording, David Tolomei, Heba Kadry, Michael Jordan (you’ve added so much to these songs and my life xo big time!), my Royal Canoe brothers (love you : Bucky, Derek, Brendan and Elliot), Serena (Thanks for being my pal and making me feel loved and at home. You’re my Toronto fam THANK YOU LOVE YOU), Earl (YOU MAKE ME FEEL BEAUTIFUL AND STRONG), Andrew&Danielle (ur wedding gave me life), Matt Fisher, Julien Desaulniers, Tim&Karli, and to Richard and Spencer for your unfailing support and love...I do not take it for granted! To all my friends who have kept me ALIVE and listened to me talk and cry about this album for two years, Kerri, Katie, Alesha, Katie, Jane, Caycie, Vanessa, Amy, The Afterlife, Matt Dirks, Hilary&Yann, Marti, Ren, Andrina and Sarah Dugas...THANK YOU. My Chic Gamine family (Andrina,Annick,Ariane,Sacha,Ben,Nicole, and Lelio) without whom I would not be half the musician I am today...some of the best adventures of my life were lived with y’all and I love you all so dearly...I feel so lucky to have you as my family. Little Boy Boom (Joey, Meg and Ryan) From dressing Ryan in a diaper to literally learning how to sing...y’all shaped my life forever THANK YOU! Kitty (thank you for creating with me. I love your brain.) Ariel Posen (thank you for encouraging me and writing with me before I even knew what this was exactly), Alex Campbell (thanks for playing my first Begonia show ever with meee and playing a million shows with me in my life) Paul and Gen...thanks for being a listening ear and letting me rehearse at your space in the beginning. To my live band Jason Pankratz, Jamie Taronno, Cody Iwasiuk, thank you for keeping this ship running and bringing my songs to life with so much love and care. I love living this little adventure with you all! ALSO PS. THANKS TO THEIR PARTNERS FOR BEING SO SUPPORTIVE. Tara, Alba and Alex (you are heroes)

My Winnipeg community, the arts and music scene that shaped me, thank you for inspiring me and keeping me grounded. Thank you for going to bat for me and giving me jobs when I had no experience or resume for the months I was trying to figure out how to get this thing off the ground. Sorry I sucked at most of them haha.

I am so proud to be a part of the thriving arts community that exists here. Let’s keep building this together ya?

To all of you out there that have come to shows, let me sleep on your couch or even told your friends about what I do, THANK YOU!

AND FINALLY TO ALL OF MY FANS in Winnipeg and beyond that have been with me from the start. I love you all so much. You keep me going. Keep being the brave, unique and special people you are. You inspire me time and time again and I will keep working to try and give back all the love and care you give to me.
This album is for you!

Thank you also to Manitoba Music, Manitoba Film and Music, FACTOR and SOCAN for all your support.

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Begonia Winnipeg, Manitoba

As Begonia, Alexa Dirks has blossomed into an indie pop powerhouse who feels like music’s best-kept secret to her fans.

Begonia released her debut LP Fear in September 2019. Fear is a deeply personal album bursting with ruminations on solitude, self-doubt, and anxiety, all bundled up in the serene feeling that comes with an artist fully embracing their past and present self.
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